Hello and welcome. This is day 3 in the week of former pop stars. Today's topic, "Here we go: The *N Sync story: A decent into booze, drugs, sex, and Britney Spears." Well, let's just get started. First let's welcome out JC.
JC comes out. A group of young girls scream. One faints. JC walks on past and doesn't bother to help her up.
MAURY - From watching you, I've noticed you're pretty boring. And mocking you is almost impossible. I don't blame the writer for me not having anything to say. I blame you. So let's just move on. Next we have Justin.
Justin comes out wearing the same thing he was the day before: board shorts, sandals and a camp t-shirt. He has hair down to his shoulder and a beard.
He throws his hands up.
JUSTIN - We gonna get this crunk!!
The audience cheers.
JUSTIN - Shutup!! You shutup!!
MAURY - Um... they were cheering you.
JUSTIN - Oh... sorry dog. My bad. I just ain't heard that in a while.
And old man jumps out of his seat and screams.
OLD MAN - I LOVE YOU JUSTIN!!
Justin ignores him. He looks back at the screen behind him. There is a pic of him 5 years ago with cornrows.
JUSTIN - I remember those rows. They was bad.
MAURY - No they wasn't. May I ask you something?
JUSTIN - Sure dog.
MAURY - When was the last time you showered?
JUSTIN - ... I don't know. I can't really afford running water anymore. Or soap. Or clean clothes. Or anything really. I'm broke.
MAURY - Well, I didn't see that comin'. Let's just move on. Next we have Chris. Come on out.
Chris comes out wearing a car wash shirt with his name on it.
He sits down.
MAURY - Now tell us in your own words, what happened?
CHRIS - Can I use someone else's words? *laughs*
MAURY - I don't wanna be here. Hurry up and talk.
CHRIS - Well, all of our videos from our second album were pretty much the same.
MAURY - You were dolls, right?
CHRIS - We weren't dolls. We were puppets. If you're a doll, your career is over. So, anyhoo, our last video was Digital Getdown.
JUSTIN - Despite what everyone thinks, that song is not sexual.
CHRIS - Hey! Shutup! You had your turn! You had five years! Let me have my moment!!
The crowd cheers.
CHRIS - So, anypoop, for that video we came up with the concept of dressing in purple sequined suits and hanging by strings in front of a giant computer screen. A week after it came out... we broke up.
MAURY - This was about 4 months after BSB broke up, wasn't it?
CHRIS - Yup.
MAURY - Must have dissapointed alot of fans.
CHRIS - Yeah, but they way I look at it, they weren't really true fans. Cause where are they now?
JUSTIN - Hey, why are there empty Corona bottles under my seat?
MAURY - So what have you been doing since the breakup?
CHRIS - I spend alot of time in alone in the bathroom. And I also released a solo album called "Busta Nation". It sold 25 copies worldwide.
MAURY - You also wrote a book of quotes.
CHRIS - Yes, it was called "Kirkpatrick: Quotes to inspire and entertain."
MAURY - Now in chapter 6, entitled "Even more quotes.", you called Lance an albino.
CHRIS - Yeah, and then he referred to my hair as a squid.
MAURY - And this started a feud?
CHRIS - Yeah. He shouldn't have been buggin' like that. The whole thing is his fault.
MAURY - Well, let's meet Lance.
Lance comes out, looking handsome as usual.
He sits down next to Chris.
CHRIS - *coughs* Albino *coughs*
MAURY - So, you haven't seen each other in 4 years?
CHRIS - Yup, and I'm fine with it.
He crosses his arms.
LANCE - Me too.
He crosses his arms too.
MAURY - Well, Lance, since they never let you sing, I'm not gonna let you talk. Now let's meet Joey Fatone.
Jowy comes out in superman boxers, a superman shirt, super man sandles, and a cape.
MAURY - Hello Joey.
JOEY - Yo.
He sits down.
MAURY - So, what have you been up to these past few years?
JOEY - Well, a few years ago, I put together a boy group called "Twice". Then when they hit it big, they sued me and took all my money. So I started another one called "Fli" and the same thing happened. I put millions of my own money into these kids, and they turned around and stabbed me in the back. They just wanted more money, that's all it was.
MAURY - That's ridiculous.
A voice from the audience that sounds oddly alot like Nick Carter yells out.
VOICE - NO IT ISN'T!!
JUSTIN - Hey, who said that?!! Nick?!
There is a rustle in the center of the audience as a big dark figure fights his way out of the studio.
JC - Hey, speaking of ridiculous... check out TImberlake's beard! When did he go through puberty?!
JUSTIN - When you were passed out on crack!
JC - Hey, shutup!!
JUSTIN - You shut up!!
JC - You want a piece of this?!
JUSTIN - Bring it on bitch!!!
JC - I'm not your bitch anymore!
JC charges at Justin and knocks him to the floor. He falls on top of him.
They wrestle on the floor.
JC - BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!
JUSTN - OW! MY HIP!
Gary Coleman comes out and tears them apart. He throws them back in their seats.
Lance starts to say something.
JUSTIN - What did I tell you Bass?
LANCE - Ke-
JUSTIN - No. Chris, what did I tell Bass?
CHRIS - "Keep your mouth shut and your ears open. You are not to talk, sing, or blink unless I say it's ok. And that will be never."
JUSTIN - Damn straight.
MAURY - Let's get back to the day everything fell apart.
JC - Well, Maury, it was the fame that tore us apart.
MAURY - The fame?
CHRIS - It ate at our intestines like maggots.
JC - Let's just say the fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
CHRIS - Hey, you stole that line from the Simpsons!
JC - Hey, you stole those pants from a dumpster!
CHRIS - ... So.
JOEY - Then Justin started dating Britney Spears.
JC - Which of course they denied.
JOEY - But then one day we caught them kissing.
CHRIS - That's when we knew he had hit rock bottom.
JUSTIN - Hey, I told you never to bring that up!! EVER!!
CHRIS - Woof.
MAURY - Why did Justin always sing lead? I always thought everyone else was better.
JUSTIN - Hey! I am the best!
He looks back at the pic of him again.
JUSTIN - Damn, I looked good.
Chris laughs loudly. He falls on the floor laughing.
JUSTIN - Those cornrows really enhanced my thug appeal.
JC - Hey, I'm the one with thug appeal!
JUSTIN - No, I am!
JC - No!
LANCE - Neither of you is, so shut up!
The audience gasps loudly. The studio goes silent.
MAN IN AUDIENCE - He spoke! The boy has vocal chords!
JUSTIN - Hey, shutup!
He charges into the audience and beats up the guy(who turns out to be Aaron Carter)
Nick comes rushing out to his rescue.
He jumps on Justin's back and they both fall.
The rest of the guys charge the audience and all hell breaks loose. The studio is destroyed.
The end.