MAURY - Welcome to the show. Today's topic, "Help, I used to be a Backstreet Boy." You've probably wondered what happened to them after the group disbanded in Nov. 2000 after the bomb of their third album. Or maybe you don't really care. But in either case, we have the boys here today to let us in on life after the Backstreet Boys.
First off, we have Brian. The lead singer with that soulful voice. Please welcome Brian Littrell. Brian comes out looking like he always had but he's wearing a priest outfit. The audience cheers. Brian sits down.
MAURY - Hello Brian.
BRIAN - Hi, Maury. Please call me, Brother Littrell.
MAURY - So, Brother Littrell, you got married in the summer of 2000. How did that go?
BRIAN - Well, my marriage lasted about 3 days. So after she took all money to go buy some more implants, I decided to go to priest school. I played on the school's basketball team too. Allstate. MVP.
MAURY - Let's move on to out next guest. AJ, otherwise known as Bone. (to Brian) So how have things been between you an AJ.
BRIAN - Well, we were doing alright at first, but then he started drinking.... more so. And smoking and smacking me around and I, being the good christian boy I am, never hit back. I just decided I had to get away from him before I got hurt. Plus he went broke about a week after we broke up, and he was always trying to swindle me out of money.
MAURY - Come on out, AJ.
AJ comes staggering out in black leather pants, a pink wifebeater, zebra robe, and Adidas slippers. His hair is wavy and a coppery color. He is drinking a bottle of Corona. He burps really loud. The audience boos him. He tosses the empty bottle into the audience.
AJ - You don't know me!! You don't know me!
He sits down next to Brian.
AJ - (to audience) What the beep!
He stands up.
AJ - You want some of this?!! You want somebeeeeep!!
He collapses in his chair. He pulls a bottle of Corona out of his pocket.
MAURY - So, AJ, how has -
He stops when he sees AJ lighting up a cigarette.
MAURY - Could you put that out please?
AJ - Sha, right.
He takes a drag.
MAURY - This is my show and I said you can't smoke.
He takes it away and puts it out with his foot.
The audience cheers.
AJ - What the beep.
MAURY - Don't use that word on my show.
AJ - Whatever, man.
MAURY - So, tell us, how has your life been these past five years?
AJ - Well, I got 16 new tatoos. *hiccups* My girlfriend Amanda is pregnant with our 5th child.
MAURY - Congratulations.
AJ - Yeah. But actually she's not my girlfriend anymore. We broke up yesterday.
MAURY - Why? What happened?
AJ - Well, we were *hiccup* out at this strip club last night and *hiccup* and this girl started giving me a lap dance and I was like *hiccup* all into it, ya know. And *hiccup* Amanda started buggin'. So I said "bump that" and I left.
MAURY - I understand you almost couldn't make it here today.
AJ - Yeah, I'm not supposed to leave the state of Florida cause I'm on probation, yo.
MAURY - Why?
AJ - I beat up 98 Degrees.
MAURY - Why? Why would you do that?
AJ - *shrugs* They pissed me off.
MAURY - So you beat them up?
AJ - Yeah.
MAURY - How did they piss you off?
AJ - They pissed me off.
MAURY - How?
AJ - Man, they wouldn't let me smoke crack at their party, so I said "Bump that" and I did it anyway. Then they tried to kick me out and I had to bring on the whoop ass, Maury, you know what I'm sayin'?
The audience boos him.
He stands up.
AJ - Shut the beep up! You don't know me!! Beeeep!! You don't know me!!
MAURY - Sit down.
AJ sits down and takes out another bottle of Corona.
BRIAN - You goin' to hell.
AJ - Man, shut the beep up.
MAURY - Hey, I said don't use that word.
AJ - Sorry.
MAURY - Next, we're gonna bring out Nick Carter. ,p> Nick comes out with a black eye, carrying a family super size box of Twinkies. He stuffs a twinkie in his mouth. The audience cheers.
He sits down.
MAURY - So, Nick tell us what you've been doing.
NICK - Well, I was living with my parents in this 30 room mansion that I had bought them. But then my mom kicked me out. So now I resign in Florida with my 12 pugs and my girl Manduh.
AJ - Did she give you that black eye?
NICK - Hey, shut up!! She loves me!!
AJ - Is she still feeding you that bogus shit? And you eat it up just like Alpo.
Nick looks confused.
NICK - She hasn't been feeding me cat food.
AJ - It was a joke.
NICK - Are you drunk?
AJ - No. Somebody spilled it on me. BUURP!!
He takes a swig of Corona.
NICK - Well, you're sure acting like it.
AJ - I'm not!! BUUUURP!!!
He tosses the bottle out and opens another.
MAURY - Next we have Howie D. Now, after Howie left the group he had brief affairs with Lance Bass, George Michael, and Britney Spears. He is currently living with his parents in Orlando, Florida. Please welcome Howie D.
Howie comes out with a ponytail down to his ankles. He takes his shirt off to reveal a six pack of steal and the elastic of his Backstreet Boys boxers.
The audience cheers. He throws his hands up.
HOWIE - This is how we do it!
AJ - Is he still pullin' that lame ass trick?
Howie glares at him. AJ pulls a case of Coronas out of his robe.
He takes out a bottle and chugs it.
AJ - (sarcastically)Nice outfit.
HOWIE - Shut up. I borrowed this from my mom.
MAURY - So, Howie, I understand you and AJ haven't spoken in 4 years. Is that right?
HOWIE - Yeah. *wink* He's not the same AJ I used to know. When I met him, he had his little jean shirt and little tie, and little briefcase. And now... Look at him! He's a Corona guzzling crack addict!
AJ - HEY! You leave the Coronas out of this!!
HOWIE - The Coronas are the only friend you have!
AJ - Shut the beep up, you beep beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeep!
He charges at Howie but collapses on the stage.
The audience boos.
AJ - Shut up! You don't know me! You don't know me!
Nick throws his empty twinkie box on the floor.
AJ rushes over and humps it.
Nick kicks him off with his foot.
AJ gets up and stumbles back to his seat.
AJ - (slurred) You know me don't.
He sits down and drinks another bottle.
AJ - Coronas all around!!
MAURY - Next, we have Kevin.
Kevin comes out wearing a skirt.
KEVIN - Hello....Mau...ry.
MAURY - I thought Howie was the one who dressed in drag?
HOWIE - I prefer to call it women's clothing.
MAURY - Now, Kevin, I understand you also got arrested for beating up a boy band.
KEVIN - Yeah, but they were asking for it.
MAURY - Tell us what happened.
KEVIN - Well... I was working.... at DisneyLand... I'm a pokemon.... and No Authority was ....doing a show there.... and... they pissed me.....off.
MAURY - How? What were they doing?
KEVIN - They were just... standing there.....
AJ - HEY!! Who drank all my Coronas?!!
NICK - You did!!
AJ - Shut up, fatty!! Don't make me come over there!
NICK - I'd like to see you try!
AJ gets distracted by a full bottle in the bottom of the box. He drinks it.
KEVIN _ They were standing there... looking all ugly.....They were asking .....for it. I had to do.....something.
MAURY - Well, okay.
Kevin points to Brian.
KEVIN - He's.... my cousin.
MAURY - Yeah, you told me.
AJ - BUUUUURRPPP!!!!
HOWIE - Gross dude!!
AJ - Shut up, hair grease!
HOWIE - At least my hair is real!
AJ - ..... so is mine. *hiccup*
HOWIE - Oh yeah? Well does real hair do this!!!
He grabs AJ's hair. It comes right off his head to reaveal.....a half bald head.
The audience cracks up.
AJ - Shut up!! Shut up!! I hate all of you!! I'm never coming back on this show!... EVER!!!
His eyes start to fill up with tears. He grabs his wig from Howie and runs off stage.
BRIAN - Wow, someone finally embarrased AJ.
NICK - Yeah, that's never happened before. Kudos to Howie.
KEVIN - Three.... cheers.....for....D...
Nick lifts Howie on to his shoulder.
He starts to walk off stage, followed by Brian.
KEVIN - Hip...hip...
MAURY - Well, that's all the time we have for today. We'll see you tomorrow when our topic will be "Help, I'm Britney Spears and I can't see my feet." Goodnight.
The credits roll.
Kevin voice can be heard over the music.
KEVIN - ... Hooray!
The credits end.
Kevin - Hip.....hip....hoo...
The studio empties.
KEVIN - ... ray!
The building is locked up.
KEVIN - Hip...hip.....hooray!!!!...........Guys?......Hey?... What's hapening?.........
THE END